Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Dejectedly, Neptune entered his home. Sadly for him, he was not the first to take such action that evening: Two burglars, in typical burglar ski masks and dark coveralls, looked up at Neptune Rasmus as he walked through his front door.

Unfortunately for Neptune, the light switch was meters into his apartment, so when he flicked the switch, he only saw the broken balcony window. Cursing, he walked toward it, and that's when they pounced, like hyenas in heat, leather gloves beating at Neptune's ribs and face, tackling him from over the couch, slamming him to the ground. Neptune grunted.

Neptune screamed, the floor cracked and just like that, one of the burglars was dead, offal under an elephant's front feet. The sound, when the elephant landed, was deafening, stunning, and the crushed burglar vomited blood and dinner like a fire hose into Neptune's closet. The other burglar snatched out his gun, managed a shot, but the elephant's trunk knocked it wide and part of the couch exploded with a puff of feathers.

Unarmed, the burglar went for the elephant's eyes, driving it back into the couch, fists against the creature's eye sockets as it thrashed about. Neptune grabbed the man and hauled him off the elephant's face; they crashed into the standing lamp, fell, and rolled around knocking trinkets and kitsch off book shelves.

The elephant composed itself, and watched the fight for a moment, tail swinging. It jabbed its tusks into the fray and both men froze.

The elephant reared back, crashed into them again. It lifted the burglar and pinned him to the wall with a tusk thrust. The man twitched, and went limp, and after a moment, the elephant shook him off its tusks, similar to the way one shakes water from their hands, at a sink without a towel.

"Well." The elephant said, somewhat poshly. "I take it your date didn't go well? This probably isn't going to improve your night, either, is it?"

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

The elephant tried to be nonchalant, as Neptune cleaned the blood off it's tusks.

The blood removed, Neptune asked, "Elephants can't get STI's can they?" As he stood up the standing lamp.

"Not human ones," The elephant replied, gently resetting the purple couch, lifting it with it's tusks, and nudging it into the center of the room with its forehead. "What are we going to do about the, ah, bodies?" it asked.

"You know, I hadn't thought that far ahead yet." Neptune sighed, "I suppose we could call the police?" he asked.

"How would we explain, ah, me?"

"You are full of tough questions." Neptune poked his hand through the flat screen television, looked at his fingers, wiggled them. "I think. I think, maybe, they wouldn't notice you."

"I'm an elephant!" the elephant said, somewhat offended.

"Right. Have you not seen Fight Club?" Neptune asked.

The elephant sighed. It said, "In that case I probably won't be here in the morning, will I?"

Neptune asked, "Or will I?" and they chuckled.

Monday, June 28, 2010

The next morning, the elephant was still there, though, and Neptune couldn't remember if this was the how it was last night, but now the elephant was definitely red. Shades of red with dry blood creases. Even the elephant's eyes were red, all red, and they followed Neptune as he single swirled down the spiral staircase.

"Oh." Neptune said, meeting the elephant's eyes. "I'm going to need more money, if you're going to stay here."

The elephant nodded.

Missed Days and Magic

He'd like to say it was laziness that kept him from posting, post an apology. Ectoplasm, though, just doesn't click clack keys like fingers used to.

He'd like to say he's sorry, but that's a half truth.

He didn't need a day off, or a run around the world, or a ninja attack.

He didn't forget.

He wasn't possessed by demons.

There's a reality, and this consoled him, which is why he posted it here, you'll understand, where he and his harem did not miss a message, clicked the button, saved the bunker and the air conditioning unit from explosion.

Where he was still alive.

Where he'd been dead for years.

Where he was internet famous.

Where he was 1920's Hollywood famous.

Where this didn't happen again.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

June 23, 2010. The Earthquake destroyed Detroit, Michigan, USA, and opened a hole to the center of the world.

Monday, June 21, 2010

"You try to do better for your family, right? And you're a thirty something, and you were weird when you were younger, and that stuff kinda worked that one time, right?

So you make something, you stick it on the bottom of one of those automated, scratch off lottery ticket machines and you buy a ticket, and: you win! You win big!

But then, a few days later, two men in khaki pants and blue shirts show up at your office, and you invite them in, and then they have a chat with you. And that last night, the night before the two average men, that night is the last time your family ever saw you."

Friday, June 18, 2010

Simple Literalisms

The elephant sat quietly in the corner of the living room. It must have been a pygmy or a baby elephant, and possessed of a strange grace well beyond it's years.

It blinked, it swished its tail gently on the floor.

"You're not going away, I see, so I'm going to make some salad for dinner. Then we'll figure out why you're here, yes?" The man in the room, named Neptune Rasmus, smiled at the elephant. "Is there anything you don't like on your salad?"

The elephant shook its head.

"Excellent." Replied Neptune.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

The sand cracked, splayed out, under the clear blue of the evening and the drying rain.


The smell of cooking chicken was strange, tinny. Her mouth watered, regardless.


Despite all the motion in the world, despite the swirl of his clock, he couldn't hug her; he couldn't even open his mouth.


Fingers trembling, he called her up. He took a moment, then said, "Look, I love you. You love her. I love her too. She's conflicted. She doesn't have to be, right?"

"What're you saying?" The woman on the other end of the line asked.

Grinning as the idea took form, he replied, "We could move in together. Leave your roommates, and lets all move in together, the three of us, somewhere."


This broken nose, of all the broken noses he'd ever had, this one felt the best.

Monday, June 14, 2010

The green of the trees, in her back yard, with the sun past the horizon, and the fire still tiny? The green of the trees: was perfect.

Friday, June 11, 2010

All those times they said, "I love you."

We laughed at the commercial, wrapped around each other, under a purple blanket, our pink couch! And there we were, laughing, and she goosed me, and our eyes locked and her dog barked. And and and.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Smiling, sweaty, riding her friend in the low orange of her bedroom, fingers splayed, pushing, on his bare chest, she lightly smacked his face and he groaned softly.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

She was facing the sink, back to him, green hair momentarily lit by early morning lightning. January storms are always those all day, wet slush, wish you had a fireplace affairs, and he was thankful she kept a pair of slippers for him. She set the mixing bowl on the drying rack, and turned around

Friday, June 4, 2010

Excerpted from "The 1,001 Deaths of Robert XYZ"

...while the anecdotes contained in the journals are horrific, and, generally, unbelievable, a majority of the circumstantial evidence pans out. . .

. . .It is believed Mr. XYZ is still alive, though quite probably insane, and most likely dangerous.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

The guidance councilor looked at Robert's medical history. "It says here you've been clinically dead twenty times." Robert nodded, staring at the pale green tiles ill-lining the office floor. She asked, "How is that possible?"

"It's been a bad few months." He replied.