Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Dejectedly, Neptune entered his home. Sadly for him, he was not the first to take such action that evening: Two burglars, in typical burglar ski masks and dark coveralls, looked up at Neptune Rasmus as he walked through his front door.

Unfortunately for Neptune, the light switch was meters into his apartment, so when he flicked the switch, he only saw the broken balcony window. Cursing, he walked toward it, and that's when they pounced, like hyenas in heat, leather gloves beating at Neptune's ribs and face, tackling him from over the couch, slamming him to the ground. Neptune grunted.

Neptune screamed, the floor cracked and just like that, one of the burglars was dead, offal under an elephant's front feet. The sound, when the elephant landed, was deafening, stunning, and the crushed burglar vomited blood and dinner like a fire hose into Neptune's closet. The other burglar snatched out his gun, managed a shot, but the elephant's trunk knocked it wide and part of the couch exploded with a puff of feathers.

Unarmed, the burglar went for the elephant's eyes, driving it back into the couch, fists against the creature's eye sockets as it thrashed about. Neptune grabbed the man and hauled him off the elephant's face; they crashed into the standing lamp, fell, and rolled around knocking trinkets and kitsch off book shelves.

The elephant composed itself, and watched the fight for a moment, tail swinging. It jabbed its tusks into the fray and both men froze.

The elephant reared back, crashed into them again. It lifted the burglar and pinned him to the wall with a tusk thrust. The man twitched, and went limp, and after a moment, the elephant shook him off its tusks, similar to the way one shakes water from their hands, at a sink without a towel.

"Well." The elephant said, somewhat poshly. "I take it your date didn't go well? This probably isn't going to improve your night, either, is it?"