Wednesday, November 25, 2015

I browsed porn late at night, in a bed borrowed from a close friend. Couldn't sleep, so browsed endless, naked, masked people in groups, compromised, powerful. Taken advantage of and taking the advantage. I searched for things like:
  • eye contact
  • brunettes with blue eyes
  • pale eyes
  • long legs
  • arched backs
I used all the usual pornography sites: pornhub, xhamster, redtube, youporn. Sometimes I found what I was looking for, but that was rare. Usually I settled and masturbated and fell asleep and dreamed. I dreamed of water, a river from when I was young, too young to know that masturbating in someone's shower wasn't appropriate. I still masturbate as much at thirty as I did at fifteen. Other people tell me they've slowed down, or don't talk about self pleasure, or talk in terms of sex and not gratification.

I haven't had sex in months and that was with a prostitute. No, a stripper. No, a girl I had dinner with. All these people, they're all the same person. Her name is Sonja. No, I call her Sonja. Her name is May Elizabeth Fedor, but that is none of my business and I respect her too much to call her that.

I knew a woman, a dancer who called herself alternately Shadow and Grace, depending on the crowd. Shadow for older crowds, Grace on college nights.

I sat and stared at passing Lycra and smile.

Being tense is hard for me, but with enough lack of exercise I've gotten pretty good at it. I shamble instead of walk. My hands tremble when I reach for my wallet. My left eye twitches and I sit and watch people walk. I can't afford coffee, so I sit outside.

The other day while I sat outside, it rained. A black girl, high schooler maybe, sat down beside me and sheltered me with her umbrella. She was fucked up: burn scars all over her face and a giant eye patch in white with an off center red cross on it. She didn't say anything and I didn't say anything and eventually the rain stopped. She didn't say anything while she closed her umbrella. She didn't say anything as she walked away, either.